''I searched for myseIf.''
Heraclitus, Vl century B.C.
- That won't do. It sticks out. - What does?
A fIoppy collar doesn't go with a tie.
And change your socks!
Come on...
Draw the curtains.
That sick guy wllI ogIe you.
He's terminaI, deserves a treat.
WllI this do?
Red and bIack... It's llke Jeanne Mas.
Who's she?
An 80s Iook. Like Mitterrand.
I'm not sure I want thatjob.
We spent a year abroad
to escape him.
I'm not ready to dive back in.
Don't forget.
As aIways. Be cooI.
A bit snobby and cooI.
You teach that to your puplls?
So?
It's OK.
But wllI it wow them?
It'll do.
As Iong as you feeI at ease.
I have an appointment with AIexandre TallIard de Vorms.
The Minister.
My name's Arthur VIaminck.
Excuse... You understand?
No one speaks Itallan in this Ministry?
I understand, but no speak.
It's unbellevabIe!
Good fortuna...
Mr. VIaminck? Follow me, pIease.
Thanks.
Come in.
I'm here to see the Minister.
- Mr. VIaminck? - Yes.
Mind waiting. He's winding up a meeting.
Agnes wllI show you in.
How are you, paI?
You're a hard guy to find! You dodging me?
Even harder than Commander Massoud!
Don't deny it! You're a Iefty, and to you I'm a...
See that?
Mitterrand's birthpIace is on that gIobe!
We're on a sinking ship.
And when a ship sinks,
where's the right, where's the Ieft?
- Tell me. - It's true, the Ieft...
May I pour you a gIass?
A modest red Burgundy. Interesting.
You Iove books. Look what my son just gave me.
Your hands cIean?
Watch out, it's a first edition.
See that?
Bottom of page 80.
Read.
You see it?
No.
''Where there's a wllI there's a way.''
Oh, yes.
Mao took it from Lenin,
who got it from Hazlltt,
who stoIe an Engllsh proverb that came from...
China.
Full circIe!
I need a team, Arthur.
A commando.
Responsive peopIe, who move 24 hours a day.
A commando!
The worId's 50-year baIance has been shattered.
9/11 made the Americans aware
of both their power and their weakness.
As we speak,
the neoconservatives are honing a ''security'' doctrine.
The doctrine of preventive war.
You hit someone,
''sniffing out'' he poses a threat.
Preventive action. Pit bull tactics.
Dangerous.
Right now, America is isoIating itseIf.
And because of that,
it's in danger of going bllnd.
One country obsesses the US: Lusdemistan.
A dictatorship?
Sure it is, with an arms program, rumors...
But is that a reason to attack and bIow them to hell?
Sir,
the Prime Minister is on the llne.
Tell him I'll call back.
He wants to discuss his news channeI
to resettIe our tuna-fishermen in the Seychelles.
Sorry?
Where were we? TaIking about serious matters!
Ah, yes. America.
There, the hawks think they understand the worId.
But they don't.
Unllke the French, the British, or even the BeIgians,
they don't understand Africa, or China,
or the Arab worId.
Or know who invented zero in maths.
We have to avoid all the pitfalls.
The pitfall of fear,
of resignation,
and worst of all:
the pitfall of ignorance.
The US Secretary of State
has a team of 80 peopIe. With huge resources.
We're bareIy a dozen. It's a very small ship.
It's not even a ship, it's a barge, a canoe...
a raft.
But on this raft, I've chosen the best.
You're young, but your fine mind is highIy praised.
Don't Iet me down. I have faith in you,
and I need you on board.
I'm very honored, but...
I'm entrusting you with what's most important.
Language!
Evening.
He aIready gave you a night off? You tamed him?
Were you cooI and snobby?
So what did he offer you? Honduras?
Why Honduras?
Our favorite vacation spot. You toId him?
He offered me ''Ianguage''.
Language?
What's that? Teaching them eIocution?
Language means...
Using the right words.
A minister can't spout anything. One word can set off a worId crisis.
They'll expIain it all to me.
Can you stand a right-wing guy?
He's for the generaI good.
And his chief of staff is a Iefty.
He wants to stand up to the Americans.
So he's perfect. Superman.
Handsome to boot.
Is he as sexy as on TV?
Well... That's not the probIem.
He's a man with a vision. Who's searching.
You're llke an earIy Christian.
Or a guy who never had a dad.
You'll be brllllant.
You'll find things for them to say. So they needn't do them.
Things that are smart...
Funny...
Perverse...
Perverse?
Yes.
''StruggIe is the father of all things.''
Heraclitus, Fragment No. 129
So you're our new Ianguage guy?
I'll check if Mr. Maupas can see you.
Not another
question about the Gaza Strip?
Mr. Maupas can see you.
Deputies' questions have become an ordeaI!
We spend more time expIaining than working.
To hell with these extra questions.
Specially from the right.
They harp about the 1967 borders
but don't know where they begin and end.
Mr. Maupas?
The President's on the llne.
Yes, it's me. Put him on.
Every Wednesday since I took this job
I haven't had a sandwich.
Now we'll have Tuesday questions,
and soon the Senate on Thursdays.
They want us to Iose weight.
Arthur, I'm so gIad you've joined us.
AIexandre said you'd be handllng Ianguage.
You'll be our onIy functioning brain.
All of ours are aIready fried.
I think what's most urgent
is putting you on the Minister's speech to the UN,
and the Berlln and Grad schooI ones.
I warn you, he doesn't want traditionaI speeches.
He says they need ''groundbreaking thrust''.
Groundbreaking?
Yes.
Not easy to cook up, but good practice.
Mr. Maupas? l'll put on the President.
This is SyIvain Marquet, our man for Europe,
who can fllI you in a bit.
SyIvain.
Meet the overworked Stéphane Cahut, our MiddIe East man.
Overworked, but underfed, Mr. Marquet.
I praised you to the boss. A pre-emptive action.
Worm your way fast into his software.
But wear a suit with matching pants and jacket.
Avoid bIack ones, bIack ties and square-toed shoes.
That's a bodyguard Iook.
Another thing.
If anybody mentions NATO,
say: NATO, No Action TaIk OnIy.
That's pro taIk.
Or Nato-rious for useIess. It's a running gag.
OK...
But what's next?
Finding you an office. None are vacant. And a contract.
- You're not a bureaucrat? - Not especially.
This won't be easy.
You'll head a ''mission'': an occuIt one.
OccuIt?
InvisibIe, undetectabIe, proven non-existent.
Not part of the formaI team.
Or we'll exceed our quota of advisors.
As for your dipIomatic passport,
they're getting very fussy.
But where do I go right now?
To see the Head of Staff, who'll say no to you.
- No, to what? - To everything.
The Head of Staff? Maupas?
No, he's the Chief of staff. This guy's Iogistics and stewardship.
That's administrative.
No, admin is something eIse.
It's geographic: Europe, Asia, etc.
Above are a feuding Pollcy Head and GeneraI Secretary.
And aIso independent non-geographic divisions:
Economic Affairs, Strategic Affairs,
CuIturaI Affairs...
Thanks. It's getting crystaI cIear.
Fuma? Any news from Mayotte?
Odlle?
FeeIs better when things caIm down.
A first: an advisor on my turf.
I'm ''occuIt'', Odlle.
Act as if you can't see me.
That'd be a shame.
When can I see Maupas? I don't know our position on this...
Are we pro or con Germany in the UN Security Councll?
A chocoIate?
You didn't stress ecoIogy enough!
CongIomerates get the subsidies. Our farming is intensive...
Not exactIy.
BIue and green boxes caIcuIate environmentaI compensations.
Can we taIk about reaI issues now?
Know how many died in the Ephron attack?
Sorry, can I see you about the speech?
Sure, Arthur. I'll call you as soon as I can.
HeIp yourseIf, Cahut.
Can I taIk to the Director of Strategic Affairs?
Yes.
Hello, sir!
I'm Arthur VIaminck, I'm preparing the Minister's Berlln speech.
He asked me to do that. So there's two of us...
Yes... Maybe we shouId chat?
Got any talking points?
You available in 2 hours?
Who are you? Where are you calling from?
Sir, about Germany...?
What's this crap about NATO?
By the way, sir...
''As French Minister of Foreign affairs,
''it is my soIemn conviction...
''that Germany
''must now have its pIace...
''a fundamentaI pIace''...
Have a cake, I made them.
You eat nothing.
Patricia, a cake?
Your predecessor said the first draft was for martyrs.
Whose cat is that?
Mr. Maupas' cat.
Actually, his predecessor's cat.
And he kept it?
Yes.
With the furniture, the furnishings...
And his sneakers.
Can he call me back in 5 minutes?
PIease...
Well...
Arthur, yes...
it seems very good to me.
When wllI you show it to the Minister?
You shouId show it to him yourseIf.
He's very anxious to see it.
Good Iuck, Arthur.
Go on in, Mr. VIaminck.
- Sir...? - C'm in!
The speech, sir.
Thanks, paI.
You're way off.
A huge amount of work is needed.
Like mentioning the Great Lakes confllct in Africa.
That's an expIosive affair.
Everybody's dodging it.
But that's on page 10, sir.
We have to taIk about it!
It needs structure!
There are 3 key principIes today.
We don't stress them! We all negIect them!
Responsibllity.
Unity.
Efficiency. That's action.
But Germany and the Security Councll...
Don't be llke dipIomats with a broom up their ass!
You're above that.
Yes, but what do we say?
See Maupas. But redo it from scratch.
The Great Lakes confllct is on page 10. Didn't he read it?
Let's soIve the probIem caImIy, Arthur, huh?
Put the Great Lakes on page 1.
That way he'll be happy.
But...
WllI he read it?
He reads?
It's better.
What about Lebanon?
- We must taIk about it. - It's on page 8.
We must taIk about it. I said: we need structure.
Legitimacy. Lucidity.
Efficiency.
You said: ''Responsibllity, Unity, Efficiency.''
In fact, that's what we're doing.
Take page 1, that's Iegitimacy.
Page 5 and page 6, are unity.
And the end is the whoIe question of efficiency.
Yes... No! Everything is on page 1 !
After that your speech goes round in circIes!
It needs to pound things! Hammer in the nall.
All this is soft matter.
On Lusdemistan, all heads of state wllI be in New York.
They're idiots. With no time to think.
So:
Legitimacy!
Unity!
Efficiency!
Or it means war!
It's why we must Iet Germany into the Security Councll.
We shouId make a gesture.
The British are against us on Lusdemistan.
You committed to it with the Chancellor in Frankfurt.
Then we must back them. If we committed.
But you aIso committed to the Greeks and SIovaks.
We can't Iet the Greeks and the SIovaks in.
Let's not back anyone.
What matters is the MiddIe East, hence America.
Drop your European fricassee. It makes no sense.
But you must discuss it with the President,
if you're dropping Germany.
The President...
He called me 3 times re a cuIturaI attaché in Fiji.
At Ieast taIk to the Germans,
to warn them. Out of courtesy.
You're right, CIaude. Call them for me.
Thanks for your heIp.
Not at all, you did very well.
Is that bit about Germany true?
I'll eventually convince him.
The Greeks and SIovaks, we'll see Iater.
So I Ieave that part bIank.
But I didn't stress Africa. How far can I go?
For that, go and see nice VaIerie.
She'll give you the good taIking points.
Whlle you're at it,
check what the other advisors think of the speech.
It'll make their day.
I toId the Minister your thing was fine, to do you a favor.
In fact, there are probIems.
Legitimacy, Unity, Efficiency.
Between us, it's hot air. He wants concrete things.
And you overinduIged in the verb ''to be''.
That verb doesn't ''speak'' to him.
He llkes active verbs.
Mr. Ambassador,
this flle is a big mess.
On paper it Iooks very smart
to put pressure on the Jordanians to get at the Saudis.
I too Iove 3-cushion billiards...
If everyone's pIaying on the same tabIe.
They haven't been on speaking terms for ages.
Even wart hogs know that.
So...
Dickie, you'll have to redo your speech.
Mind if I call you Dick?
No.
SeriousIy, is what I wrote OK?
Seriously, he'll make you rewrite it ten times.
So you might as well get cracking.
- Got yourseIf an office? - Yes.
- Where? - In the wing opposite.
The Germans are doing a wait-and-see.
The US, mostly the neo-cons, want a war.
The Brits, as always,
follow them like sheep.
The Lusde Embassy confirmed it.
You know, Arthur, Africa is speciaI. It requires physical contact.
But you, somehow, figured out what's essentiaI.
Your speech covers all the basics.
You just got here, and you're an ace.
Dunno, I just...
The Great Lakes, what did I forget?
Nothing. You handIed the Great Lakes very well.
What doesn't work is this:
that collar...
the rumpled jacket...
And your shoes.
They're weird and don't shine.
I brushed them 15 minutes this morning.
FataI error.
Diplomats don't use a brush. They spit-and-pollsh them.
Here, form and content are one and the same.
Your toecaps
shouId be my makeup mirror.
We don't work that way, without head or tall.
A UN speech is a bigger deaI than a panty raid.
For the MiddIe East, he'll consuIt me.
Or simpllfy it all, and set off a new confllct.
The Lusdemenites are many ethnic groups and rellgions.
Type that up and make 10 copies.
It stinks. It won't do.
What Arthur wrote is fine. That's not the probIem.
It's trying to cover it all in 10 pages, in AriaI 16, for the bllnd,
bold, doubIe-spaced...
Cahut, you're an expert, who knows all the bends in the river.
In New York, I'm speaking to heads of state.
They won't tolerate that many cllchés.
The African stuff is way off.
There are gaps, errors, approximations.
On the Great Lakes confllct,
the truisms will cause smlles.
No truisms! They kill a speech. You're right.
You should've consuIted her, Arthur.
We must rebuild it from scratch.
It Iacks structure. I've toId you endIessly!
1) Responsibility.
A crisis must be answered.
2) Unity.
No country can soIve them aIone.
3) Efficiency. Why?
Because our duty is action.
The world is interdependent,
so we must all act with the UN.
That's what matters. The rest is bunk.
Sir, you're right. Legitimacy, unity, efficiency,
and then we move on.
Claude, what do you say?
All this stuff about action
and interdependence is fine.
The most important thing is deallng with Germany.
Germany is a partner, who we need
in the current situation, llke it or not.
And in every major one, if you Iook carefully.
AbsoluteIy. In any event we'll back Germany.
Who, anyway, wllI never get enough votes.
All that is your slop to dish up.
Which is a great pity.
Europe shouldn't be run by sordid usury schemes,
board of directors' ploys,
bureaucrats fretting over fish stocks and raw-milk cheese!
Europe
must be a vision and symbols!
I totally agree. We'll deal with it.
You see,
I said your speech was headed for muItipIe rewrites.
You can spread the pages in your new office.
That is bigger than mine!
Dumonthell's a weirdo!
I showed her the speech: she OK'd it all.
Demollshing you in front of the Minister,
is a way of screwing with you.
I'm serious. That's ministerial sex llfe.
You'll get to enjoy it too.
When you shaft someone, you don't mean any harm.
It's an amorous gesture.
And if they're good, they'll shaft you right back.
It's llke a caress, you're making Iove...
Ream my little triangle
Tweak my dewy rosebud
lt's time for jingle-jangle
l'm longing for a stud
Those tufts you love to crimp...
I tell you, you'll get to llke it.
Fondle that little shrimp...
The usher downstairs is cooI.
- Here. - Thanks.
Hey, your new office is nice.
A bit messy, but...
Got a secretary? What's she llke?
Virlle. He's a guy.
He said here dirty tricks
are how they make Iove.
Really?
If you do her, wllI she become nice?
Introduce us. I'll know if she's cooI.
The guy who toId me that sang a crazy song to me...
When they stuff my...
No...
My peninsula needs reaming
Guess what's hot and steaming?
l'm longing for a stud...
Not bad,
I'll teach it to my puplls.
Mr. Minister?
Arthur, where do we stand?
Coming aIong, sir...
I'd say pIodding aIong.
I know how to fix your hodgepodge.
You know Hector Marller?
The great poet. ''Solltude Reversed''.
We're friends. He'll call you.
He'll add some zip to your thing.
Go to it, paI.
You couId've sung him that song.
Excuse me.
Mr. Vlaminck? Hector Marlier, here.
Hey, Hector Marller!
AIexandre said you were in deep shit,
his words, and I couId heIp.
I don't need gIory, just trying to heIp.
Hector Marller...
Check him on the internet!
No internet here.
Really? You have no internet?
Even my grade schooI does! In the burbs!
Nope, we're not allowed to have it.
We have our own communication system operated by ''Le Chiffre''.
''Le Chiffre''? You in a Bond fllck?
No, the number guys, the encryptors, are down there!
Under the yard?
No, on the other side.
Under the garden. Under the fountain.
Under the fountain?
They encode all messages with ''safe'' aIgorithms.
Just for today, here's what I got from them.
Every Minister here tried and falled to get rid of this system.
It's an uItra-powerfuI union.
We're the onIy worId-institution without the web.
The Finance and the Interior ministries have it... Not us.
My speech, corrected by that idiot!
Let me see.
''In darkness, peace never dies.'' Hector Marller.
''The pllgrim, ferryman to the future.'' Hector Marller.
Product pIacement! He's quoting himseIf!
''On river banks, lle stranded hopes.''
Marller, you're reaming our rectangIes!
Shit, how do I get out of this one?
It's a probIem...
Just incIude a few of his quotes.
Like which? The pllgrim?
The pllgrim's fine.
CIaude?
Can I heIp you, Arthur?
I have a probIem. A friend of the minister's.
At this hour?
Hector Marller.
Yes.
I put two quotes from him at the start.
You're Iearning fast.
Re Germany, it's OK. We're backing them. It's definite.
I taIked to the minister again,
who had enjoyed his meaI.
''One can mutate, restfully.''
So Hector, what do you think?
Listen, AIexandre,
there are two texts in the text.
The part you wrote is excellent. The whoIe beginning.
As for the rest,
your guy cobbIed something
out of his ''unity, efficiency'' thing. lt's not like you.
Thanks, Hector.
About my Legion of Honor medal?
You got it?
Take the second part of the speech, cut out all the fat.
All we need is sinew, tendons and nerve tissue.
The opposite of mutton stew.
- ''Attitude''. Add an ''s''. - Where?
There. ''Attitudes.''
An extra crease.
It's not an extra one.
It's the cut of the pants.
ShouId I wear this or that?
That's prettier.
But I llke red.
You Iook great.
Very good. It's Iess dicky!
Unity. Efficiency.
Hello, Arthur.
Don't expel the Jingoulou family!
We need more parent support.
- They're grandparents? - Yes.
Let's get moving: we've got Iots to do today.
The Minister wants a statement on Turkey fast.
As it's Wednesday, we'll try to find
a quick question that'll suit the House.
Yesterday no Iunch: the Bahrain question.
It's getting to be a pain.
By now our fabuIous Parllamentary attaché
wllI have convinced a deputy to ask a question.
It's all the majority is good for.
Hi!
So, Miss Normandy, how many did you wow?
Cut out the Miss Normandy crap!
Were you actually Miss Normandy?
Find a new gag, OK?
I got you a sucker for your Turkey question.
Here we go, no Iunch again.
And tomorrow we'll have the Senate.
So who's the stooge of the day? Maxime Dubos?
No, the majority had quaIms.
I did better, I found you
a bonus gift...
A Commie, Jacques Duferrand.
Communists are easy to convince. They adore TallIard.
Stéphane, give us ideas for the Minister's repIy,
and Arthur you pollsh it all,
on a singIe
A5 card.
The way he llkes it.
I'm due back at the bar. The House's hotspot.
Duferrand agreed to ask the question,
but wants it written out. Who's the Iucky guy?
Arthur!
Since you're writing the answer,
write the question.
Punch it up a bit, so it rings true.
It's time we quit pIaying this game,
where the same guy, mostIy me,
writes the question and the answer.
First it makes a sham of democracy,
and it's aIso starving us.
In my tiny attic office,
and I mean tiny,
you can't get in a sandwich.
Even a ''cIub'', a thin, trianguIar one.
All cIub sandwiches are trianguIar.
See, I've forgotten.
GIad I finished the speech Iast night.
Well, don't be too optimistic.
This morning, he called Jean-PauI Brizon.
His phllosopher paI,
''Resllience in the Projects'',
the concept he peddIes in every fIavor on TV.
Now we'll get swamped with ''resllience''.
I don't know what it means, but we'd better be ready.
''Resllience in the Projects''
is sheer vacuity, pure mush.
Trendies call it ''Soft knowIedge''.
Quit Iadllng this soppy stuff. We've had it to here.
The question was feebIe. The answer got by.
On paper. But not orally.
You've never spoken in the House!
Your words don't fIy. They stay grounded.
Look at the Mayor of Paris,
he needs no notes, his words fIy.
Excellent statement, Minister.
Orally, you're the best.
Thank you, Bruno.
What did I say?
''A fooI who must orate is frozen with fear.''
Tell the Emir, he shouId ''be aware of'' French expertise in radar.
Say his kingdom wllI pIay a Ieading roIe in the MiddIe East.
You know that our radars are the best.
Your kingdom wouId greatIy benefit from France's expertise.
Your area can't depend on the United States.
You're bogging me down in pissass stuff!
I'm not an arms deaIer!
I'm breaking my butt for peace.
You make me peddIe guns
llke neckties or dlldos!
PIease transIate exactIy what the Minister said!
Mr. Minister,
if we don't regain a foothoId there, all your fine speeches...
This isn't to do with speeches!
It's polltics!
Shit! Your bullshit made me hang up!
Martine, call back that idiot!
Sorry.
Martine! I haven't got all day!
They're not picking up. I can't force them to.
Listen, paI. I was setting up the basics of our negotiation.
That's been done. So now you're in charge.
Stuck in your goo.
Arthur, what's with this speech?
We must discuss the IsraeI-PaIestine roadmap.
In Lusdemistan the Brits are...
It's better!
There, we shouId hone a few things
on the Lusdemistan crisis. And emphasize...
So emphasize, Cahut! It's urgent!
Last week's work can't wait untll tomorrow.
I have to do it all myseIf.
Your fantasy speeches wllI kllI me.
In this IowIy worId, don't settIe for comfort.
Urgency is the backbone of action.
AIexandre,
we have a rather urgent probIem.
Can I see you a minute?
Not your Germans again?
A ship manned by our guys is burning in Lusdemistan waters.
With 200 tons of fueI in the hoId.
Our ambassador says the ship is drifting to Lusde.
4 mllllon inhabitants. Ready to expIode.
Are terrorists invoIved?
No, it seems to be a dumb human error.
Dumb? CouIdn't they have done it off Corsica!
All the Neocons want is
an incident in Lusdemistan to send in their Marines.
We can't Iet WorId War llI be started by a cigarette!
Let's concentrate.
We must regain controI of that ship.
You must aIert the President. And the Minister of Defense.
Shit, not her!
I'll make a few phone calls.
We have operatives in the area. I know them well.
Is something wrong?
You know what'll happen. After your phone call,
the Defense minister wllI want to take over.
She'll make waves and compllcate matters.
We'd better handIe this tactfully.
You know her.
OnIy press conferences interest her!
Make a deaI with her.
Let her do the communicating,
if she gives us a free hand for one hour.
If I haven't controlled it by then, she can take over.
Let that dodo do the communicating?
I need an hour without interference.
The US State Department,
anyone want to chat with them?
Before advising the US,
Iet's taIk to the Lusdemistan ambassador.
I have some info,
but I must see you aIone. They need an answer in 10 minutes.
This is a decisive moment where the cabinet
needs the heIp of the administration.
Bertrand CasteIa, Strategic Director.
Maybe you don't know,
but a ship's on fire off Lusdemistan.
But don't worry, I'm monitoring
the situation very cIoseIy.
Listen, what wouId really heIp me,
is if you did nothing for the next hour.
I need to concentrate a bit.
Meanwhlle, try to move forward on other issues.
Between us, there's no Iack of them:
There's Turkey,
the Great Lakes confllct,
the West Bank,
the Seychelles' tuna fishermen,
the anchovy war with Spain.
If someone handIed the Maronite Patriarch
for me for one hour...
Who...?
VaIerie maybe?
The Maronite Patriarch?
Thanks, CIaude. Just what I needed.
Odlle, put me on the encrypted llne.
Make sure no one sets foot in this office.
Arthur, you dodging me?
Sing us that song? How does it go?
The triangIe and the rosebud?
Ream her little triangle
Tweak her dewy rosebud
Huh, VaIerie? Tweaking the rosebud?
I just adore macho ribaIdry!
With you, France is in good hands.
Try harder, and you may reach puberty!
Don't be miffed at me.
If it's because we disagreed on that speech...
You can do better.
I showed it to you: you said it was perfect.
Listen,
''Water that bolls, never forgets.''
Gabonese proverb. Think it over.
You peopIe OK? Not overworked?
Racing your motors? Don't burn out!
Come, Arthur!
CIaude, where do we stand?
We're at the controIs. I hope we make it out of this shit.
That's all I can say.
Yes?
Robert... So it's all up to you now...
The probIem is, it takes retroactive homothetics.
Arthur, I want a press reIease on that.
We made a deaI with the Ministry of Defense!
We can't Iet those creeps get the credit, when we do the work!
It's stllI pretty fucking expIosive. We need to be cautious.
Yes, Bernard.
How are you doing?
- Arthur? - Mr. Minister?
Is my speech to the Grad schooI good?
Yes, sir.
You see how things happen. Here! Now!
One needs an innate sense of action, of urgency.
Talleyrand's days are over.
Today dipIomacy isn't done in paIace backrooms.
Where they pissed in the stairwell!
It means being ever ready for worId crises.
We must say that.
Sir, the Danish Foreign Minister awaits you.
Shit, I have to deaI with that Dane!
This job is pure crap!
Him and his bicycIe. We've got nothing to say.
You shouId meet with him.
He's important: he has cIout in BrusseIs.
Yesterday I had the SIovenian!
CIaude, my boy, do your best.
What a dumb Ianguage!
Hello, StanisIas... Yes.
How Iong wllI it take?
- Is he in? - No, no! Mr. CasteIa!
- He's busy? - Yes.
Odile, come in.
My counterpart at Defense
was shocked he wasn't toId.
As no one's informing us...
You're essentiaI to this whoIe affair.
I'll inform you first, as soon as I hear.
Odlle, pIease.
It can be sent now.
Thanks.
Claude, we're headed for a disaster!
The Minister's father is here to see you.
Say I'm in a...
Attorney, what a nice surprise!
Where is my son?
With the Dane, Attorney.
Not ''Attorney'', CIaude.
I said call me Antoine.
Yes, sir.
Tell me...
the kid's speech in New York,
wllI it be originaI at Ieast?
Because we have
many fIaws in our famlly, but we've never
Iacked guts or originallty...
He mustn't spout technocratic mishmash,
especially in New York.
It was there, in the HoteI Astor, that De Gaulle said:
''I appIaud New York,
''the center of exchanges
''between our oId, yet young, continent
''and your New WorId,
''which is aIready oId in the history of mankind.''
Our oId continent...
That took guts.
No, no...
Leave the detalls
to the bureaucrats. Right, CIaude?
Listen,
I wanted to be of more heIp on this New York business.
But you'll have to figure it out yourseIves.
I'm Iess llstened to these days,
I'm shrivellng up,
disappearing,
swept away in the shipwreck of oId age.
But I'm with you...
Inside us all, is an oId man fiddllng on.
Thank you, sir.
Where's my boy?
Put StanisIas back on.
You OK, CIaude?
The ship's nearing the coast. We may not make it.
Listen, I need 5 minutes without a singIe souI.
I'm sorry, sir...
I'll pick them up for you.
I'll put them back in order.
There...
It's weird, I can't find page 4...
Take your time, we're not managing any crisis here.
We're totally cooI.
There it is...
The war can wait.
That'll do.
There.
Well, where do we stand?
I'm waiting for news.
In 2 days, I Ieave for Berlln and for New York in a week.
A week means tomorrow!
Those speeches just won't do!
I won't spout techno-junk even to grad students.
I'll Iook ridicuIous! This job is crap!
And the New York speech is worse.
That's where,
in the HoteI Astor, De Gaulle said:
''I appIaud New York, the center of exchanges...''
Take it.
19 degrees,
21 minutes...
You want my death?
This highllghter doesn't work.
Martine! Tell me:
why buy me highllghters that don't work?
Look, the feIt tip is mushy.
This crisis couId become WorId War llI.
I can't face the U.S. State Department with a mushy highllghter!
You said you'd rewrite the speech yourseIf.
So I bought you a brand new pen.
A ''Roller TendoI'', fine point, No. 3.
Martine you understand nothing
about writing.
It's gathering.
Like a bee from many fIowers.
For that one needs a highllghter.
Don't trust eggheads with Ieaky pens.
They write crap.
One has to see things cIearIy.
By highllghting!
We can't Iet the Lusdemenites intercept that ship,
or our Ministry of Defense send in their Iouts.
To the Lusdemenites, it'll be an act of war.
Look at this:
you can tell this book's a dud.
No highllghting.
Here, I highllghted the whoIe book.
Now that's a good book. Heavy!
Full of hard concepts.
All yellow now.
To know if a book's any good,
I hardIy read it, I highllght it intuitiveIy.
Know the probIem?
Your worn highllghters! The yellow ink trickIes out.
See, when I highllght, the paper gets wavy.
The better the book, the wavier it is.
And that bugs me!
Arthur's Berlln speech...
It isn't wavy, not one bit.
That means it's Iousy!
I'm managing a crisis in Lusdemistan...
I came to see the Minister.
He's all yours, sir.
...whlle the President frets about a fugitive bear...
The ship was diverted from its path
before entering Lusdemistan waters.
Our guys got evacuated.
And the fire is under controI.
We're Iucky to have you, paI.
''If all things became smoke, the nostrlls wouId know them.''
There's nothing.
Here you're quoted. 3 paragraphs. The Minister of Trade gets 3 llnes.
''Tom Cruise''! 3 more than he deserves.
You saw? Things are heating up in Ubanga.
It'll bIow up on us. Fine, we're not busy:
just a threat of war in Lusdemistan, PaIestine,
nucIear tests in North Korea. Peace and quiet!
So in Berlln, what do I say?
That damn ship grabbed our time. I'm bareassed.
Ship or no ship, I aIways am.
I'll have to start waffllng...
Then what?
VIaminck's a nice guy,
with his square-toed shoes,
but where are my taIking points?
Who's he?
The minister's encryptor.
The guy under the fountain?
Le Chiffre, who encodes wires.
Why's he here?
He follows the Minister, so we can send wires.
You send them often?
Never.
This speech has been force-fed. Why Lusdemistan, if it's on Europe?
He wanted it there.
Learn to say no.
The Minister wants to see you.
Show me your gouIash.
I won't read it on that thing.
I was integrating your corrections.
It didn't start that way. Where's the beginning?
Higher up.
Higher than what? It's not on the screen!
No, wait I'll...
That's not it: it's Iost!
You did paper-and-paste, the machine ate it.
No, it's been saved...
You're useIess on your gizmo!
What's going on?
An accident, it seems.
We can't spend all night. Come, Arthur.
I do the work, you guys goof off!
On the pIane back, I want the new Grad speech
and the new NY one on the risk of war.
Go to it! Action!
Think the Americans Ioaf llke you?
They're a team of 30 peopIe! And I'm...
I'll do whatever you ask, but I need an office.
Mr. Ambassador, you have a spare one?
Yes, CIaude?
Not a great speech. The Homeric metaphors fell fIat.
Ancient Greece isn't big here.
A Ioad of shit's hit the fan.
So, is it ready?
Sorry.
I had Maupas on the phone. A hostage-taking.
Where?
Africa, the Great Lakes. A reporter disguised as an NGO.
We advised him not to go.
Dammit! I'm not the Good Shepherd...
rounding up his fIock!
The guy was doing his job. We must get him out.
Find me an office and a secure phone.
I stllI haven't peed all day.
Lucklly, nobody gave me a gIass of water.
Your speech is ground meat!
Beyond its sheIf llfe! It's oId hat.
It needs depth,
historicaI references, heart.
Quote the great bullders, great unifiers,
Euripides, Montaigne,
Erasmus, Jaures,
Zidane!
It needs muscIe, not mush.
Beware of the Germans' reaction,
who disllke any reference to the Nazis,
especially if it's bIatant.
Say the same thing, but more positiveIy.
- No, that's no good. - It isn't?
No, he sounds BeIgian.
To me you've never Iooked cuter.
Jogging time.
Run! Grenade!
To upset the Russians, sIam the Iranians.
To upset the Iranians, call them Arabs.
To raise hell in the MiddIe East,
bring up Lusdemistan.
The Americans do all three at once.
We're caught in the Iandsllde!
- That's Cahut? - Yeah.
The amazing one is Maupas, Chief of Staff.
If I got it right, when he says ''Good Iuck, Arthur,''
it means ''You're in deep shit.''
''Bravo, VaIerie'' means ''Once more, you're fired.''
When you're right, what does he say?
Nothing.
How does Maupas stand the Minister?
To him, TallIard's llke a noisy upstairs neighbor.
Disrupting, but you can function.
Is he for a PaIestinian state?
Nope, no oll in PaIestine.
But Lusdemistan has tons, so TallIard llkes 'em.
Wait, you on a neocon payroll?
You must think
there are weapons of mass destruction
under Lusdemistan's paIace.
Why not?
Under the bedroom is safest.
Why not?
Or under the bed. SIeeping on a warhead is fab.
Does wonders for sex!
No, but really,
TallIard doesn't give a hoot about oll.
Just between us. He's a ham. Don't say he isn't.
I wllI.
He's the exact opposite.
An actor takes a text, finds a way to say it.
But for TallIard,
I must find his kind of words, or it gets dumped.
Goof, and the worId's abIaze?
Sure.
You're cute. He's not as sincere as you.
He's not an actor.
He's an anti-actor.
Does your anti-actor make anti-decisions?
Can your anti-actor do anything concrete?
- Arthur! - Sir?
I want to be on the 8 PM news tonight.
Latest, by tomorrow.
Re the anchovy-fishing war with Spain.
I'm sick of idiots cIogging our airwaves.
It's a very technicaI subject.
Both sides are gullty, we may trip ourseIves up.
The probIem is
the Prime Minister has screwed up again
with asinine and confusing comments.
We must eIevate the issue.
PeopIe who watch TV
must reallze we see this worId as it shouId be.
We must soar higher.
Anchovies aren't the probIem.
The worId's probIem is fear.
It's all in here.
Heraclltus:
''Lightning ruIes everything.''
That's a crystaI cIear statement!
Arthur, dig into it. Make it a weighty argument.
It says it all. Lightning!
I don't get this anchovy war.
The French said their fishermen were oceanographers?
By-passed the anti-fishing ruIes?
It's a Ioad of crap.
It's compIex to expIain.
At this point, knowing our minister as you do,
if I were you, I wouIdn't be too technicaI.
Instead, can't you
find a few quotes
from Heraclltus
and cook up something that sounds fairIy normaI?
Right.
''Among monkeys, the handsomest is ugIy.''
''Pigs prefer mud to cIear water.''
What?
As Heraclltus said,
anchovies prefer swimming in Spanish waters
to ending up in French trawIers.
''Character is man's demon.''
Character is man's anchovy.
''All men wish for
''seIf-knowIedge and good thinking.''
All anchovies wish for...
seIf-knowIedge and good thinking.
How are we doing?
Go ahead! Enjoy!
I'll have to Iay out the basics again.
But I won't highllght it all for you!
At random!
This one is for you:
''A fooI who must orate,
''is frozen with fear.''
Frozen! Like an anchovy.
''When present, they're absent.''... OK.
''Men whose wishes come true, feeI no better.''
Like fishermen. Bigger catches,
mean fewer anchovies Ieft.
''Extinguish excess more than fire.''
Hear what Heraclltus says?
''Extinguish excess more than fire.''
Dear sir,
Iet me tell you this:
what's true for Spanish fishermen is aIso for French ones.
We shouId reach out to one another.
Look beyond our interests. Overcome our fears.
ControI the fire.
There Arthur, you Iead into the fear that pIagues us.
Each topic Iets us soar higher.
Like Ignatius LoyoIa's spirituaI exercises.
That's how you ruIe the worId.
With thoughts. By forging a vision.
It's a spiraI.
No need to be a rocket scientist!
Bye, Marie!
We'll have a meeting to go over our scheduIe.
We'll try and keep it shorter than usuaI.
Let's start with today. 9 AM:
BllateraI with the Chllean.
They must be here, and have started.
10 AM Cabinet Meeting.
Everything ready? The Minister's flles up to date?
Yes, he got it all Iast night.
I meant to tell you, I got a call from him.
It's aIways the same thing...
He wants to reduce his taIking points:
the President wants them shorter at the meeting.
Less than 3 minutes.
They're down to the essentiaIs.
Make it the quintessence of the essentiaIs.
Focus on a few topics that are hot in the media.
OnIy that interests them in cabinet meetings.
No point in bringing up arcane stuff.
Then at 11 AM: start of the Geneva sequence,
the NATO meeting.
There we must be super-prepared: it may be tricky.
Wait! There's a Iunch date at 1 PM in his private agenda.
Molly Hutchinson, NobeI Prize for Literature.
Are you sure?
That won't be possibIe!
Yes, it wllI!
It's in bIue ink, highllghted.
Do as you pIease.
It's rock-solld.
Yes. Between us, Martine,
I know it's important to Iunch with a NobeI Prize winner,
but, anyway, the Minister is a minister,
and the NATO probIem is aIso
very important.
We have to tell him niceIy to postpone his Iunch.
Shit, took me 3 months to set it up.
I wanted to meet Molly Hutchinson.
Is there a probIem?
No...
So untll 6 PM we're in Geneva, then back to...
Arthur?
My taIking points for Molly Hutchinson?
You wanted taIking points?
Get to work, paI.
Meeting a NobeI Prize winner, what do I say?
I need brllllance, inspiration.
Or eIse, why make me meet peopIe?
Yes, AIexandre,
this Iunch is a probIem.
As you know, there's the NATO matter...
NATO... Nato-rious, useIess!
Yes, whatever you say.
But with this mess in the BaIkans and Kosovo...
NATO, ''No Action, TaIk OnIy!''
In fact, we're trying to figure out
how to switch your Iunch with the NobeI Iady.
Not a chance!
Yes, but I thought...
Next Monday you're seeing the Croatian,
we canceI that, and repIace it with Polly Wortington...
Molly Hutchinson!
CanceI the Croatian...
You're grabbing me by my feellngs!
No way!
We've postponed the Croatian 7 times.
Tell you what: we canceI the Croatian
and we keep Molly Hutchinson.
I want my cards before the Cabinet meeting.
I'm so bored, with those idiots rattllng on.
Whlle they spout, I reread my index cards.
You got me a highllghter?
- With a decent tip? - It's on your desk, sir.
Ready for your next writing session.
OK, paIs!
Action!
NATO shmato!
Arthur, keep this Iunch
short and sweet.
We Ieave at 1:30 PM Iatest.
Sir... Your cards for Molly Hutchinson!
Mr. Minister...
I prepared you a NATO card. Read it in the meeting.
I can't read that.
It's rumpIed. Like out of a swimming pooI.
I'm not a llfeguard.
There.
Thanks.
Need anything eIse?
No, I'm fine.
Thank God the Cabinet meeting's over.
A whoIe batch of new Iaws.
Read them, give them to an aide, whatever.
It's a plle of shit.
Otherwise, nothing to report.
The President re-briefed the PM, who re-briefed the Finance Minister.
That dumb bear who boIted came up again.
Other than that, same oId shit. It's pathetic.
But guess
who I'm Iunching with?
I know. We rescheduIed everything for it.
Want to come?
If it'll heIp get your mind on NATO.
Why not?
Bravo for that NobeI Prize!
For once, poetry is in the spotllght.
With you, they chose an all-round artist.
Let's say I try to keep my eyes open.
Your eyes open... And your ears pierced!
Let's have Iunch.
How did I get trapped?
You'll be fed!
To your NobeI Prize!
Your cards corrected, sir.
What cards? Don't staIk me with that NATO stuff.
You have cards on me?
Not at all,
I don't need index cards.
I hate them.
What's this, the JingouIou famlly?
Urgent?
It's a mistake, sir.
I have a first edition of Rimbaud's ''The Drunken Boat'', I Iove poetry.
Your poetry, your sensitivity,
your power.
Literature is all about power,
the alliance of courage and cunning,
of the comic and the tragic, the robe and the sword...
That matters,
and today one can see it cIearIy.
After 3 000 years of civllization,
we face the most troubIed period in human history.
Mankind is about to destroy Mankind.
NucIear crises,
fratricidaI wars...
And what do those hacks brazenIy do?
Those wart hogs?
I'll tell you, Molly,
they write index cards:
dream up taIking points.
They flltter around, chat, llsten, induIge themseIves,
whlle war rages.
It's raging in the MiddIe East, in Africa,
soon it may rage in Lusdemistan.
It rages all around you.
In you.
Hence in the worId.
What really matters in llterature,
what writers shouId say before writing...
The sacred fire within you,
Iets you decipher the worId llke a chlld.
Let her get a word in.
What do you think of all this, Molly?
That one must be consistent
with one's words.
I enjoy llstening to you,
but why does France back TotaI Oll in Burma?
It's llke backing the junta.
They imprisoned a woman,
Aung San Suu Kyi,
who was Iawfully eIected.
There, Molly,
TotaI Oll,
the Iess oll they sell, the better I feeI.
If I wasn't trapped in this dipIomatic ruckus,
I'd write 5 books a year.
Writing! That's really llving!
I see them all around me,
trying to snare me,
all those who are ruIed by fear.
The enemy in polltics, as in llterature, is fear.
It's the pIoy of the weak... The pIoy of NATO.
Even in Turkey.
Yet...
Who dellvers the words of wisdom in VoItaire's ''Candide''?
I'll tell you.
The dervish.
The Turkish dervish! Think of it.
Right, I don't understand why the US
wants NATO to intervene in the MiddIe East.
You see, CIaude,
I don't get it either.
NATO,
I'll die before I know why we need it.
I won't go to Geneva.
They can have their meeting
without yours truIy!
Chatting with you was more constructive
than being stuffed with the war on TayIorism...
Terrorism...
The TayIorism of terrorism...
Arthur, take it down.
Remember, Molly:
what matters in llterature, is the sacred fire.
MaIraux said:
''OnIy two things matter for mankind: courage and cuIture.''
You aIready have the cuIture.
You know, Molly,
inside us all, is an oId man who fondIes on.
FondIes on?
You're the champ. You get the Oscar.
MispIacing the JingouIous in your cards. Not very wow!
You owe me another stab at it.
The parents aren't in France, the grandparents are being expelled...
Say you won't forget.
Promise!
You shouId've insisted. Your guy goofed.
You were too nice. We'll get nowhere, llke that.
Besides, he can ask him a favor, it's no big risk.
Listen, Arthur and I evaIuate our own risks.
Anyway, there's onIy 2 choices:
his job wllI make my llfe hell,
he'll get home Iate, canceI dinners and vacations.
Or I agree to share my llfe with Tutankhamen.
He'll llve with us, breakfast with us, move into our llving room...
And I make sure Arthur and I have fun.
Wait, I can't do everything.
Go to New York, save the JingouIous,
attend dipIomatic dinners. At Ieast one thing too many.
Yeah, going to New York.
About that dinner, I onIy said it was iffy!
They'll be with wifey, you the onIy bacheIor?
I can't heIp it, it says ''with their spouses''.
It's about cabinet unity.
Are we a coupIe or not?
Most coupIes who llve together aren't married!
They shouId know that!
There's a simpIe soIution.
We get married.
So you can come to the dinner. We have 2 weeks.
You're nuts.
Take me to the dinner, then ask me to marry you.
''Wisdom: speak the truth, act llke nature.''
3 days is 3 shirts, pIus one.
3 ties pIus one. 3 shorts pIus one.
And my rubber ducky.
I'll pack a sweater too. New York can be icy.
In this one, you hardIy see the hoIes.
Poor baby. Then we can throw it out.
No, it's my favorite.
Is there any more room?
I stllI have
3 reams of paper.
There'll be a dozen rewrites of the speech...
You're a VIP now. Can't you get paper in New York?
It's not the same size.
Shorter and wider.
He couId make me redo the whoIe speech.
You figured you'd do it 15 times, anyway.
3 days'll seem an eternity.
Don't worry.
Let's make them seem even Ionger.
Minister, any news on the runaway bear?
Reporters: the 8th pIague of Egypt!
My friend Jean-PauI François.
Dellghted.
He may get the Goncourt Prize.
I read your Iatest book, ''A WorId in Tears''.
The Iast but one!
We've got some time. We can rewrite it all.
Jean-PauI?
Sit down.
What bothers me is...
Is a vision... Sorry, thanks...
a too hasty vision of America...
The US is a rich, compIex country.
Don't taIk of US pollcy, but pollcies.
Or reduce all Americans to the neocons.
LincoIn, a Republlcan, abollshed sIavery.
The US has many heritages, a ''doubIe inspiration''.
Sit down, Jean-PauI.
Like BaudeIaire.
Jot it down.
Sir, it's a speech to the UN, not a PhD oraI!
The Civll War or New DeaI won't fit!
Why not? You need History,
depth, to move peopIe.
Americans must understand I Iove them.
Even more than they Iove themseIves.
How couId they?
30% eat in their cars.
Jot it down! We must say that!
Sir, it's not the subject of your speech, you said so!
We're addressing 191 UN member states on specific issues:
Lusdemistan, the danger of war.
PreciseIy. The speech must have heart!
Via a story, an anecdote. SuddenIy, wham!
We say we won't back their scam.
France won't commit to Republlcan bIowhards.
But you can't ram them head on.
It's a rich, compIex country. Each state is different.
Like Vermont and Kansas. Take Iowa, for instance...
Where all U.S. presidentiaI eIections start.
- Every primary. - That's it.
''The Bridges of Madison County'' was shot there.
That's a unifying concept.
Got it? Get going!
Sir, if we change llnes, we shouId consuIt Cahut.
Cahut, fine. Call Cahut.
I hope I'm not invading young VIaminck's turf.
No.
Is he reIated to VIaminck, the...?
DistantIy.
A conventionaI painter. Too much sky.
BuckIe up, Jean-PauI.
Mr. Minister?
Dear Stéphane, I asked Arthur to mellow the New York speech.
Anyway, it's dense and Iopsided. It doesn't hit the mark.
Sit down, Cahut!
And buckIe up.
I never do.
BuckIe up. We're taking off! It's a safety measure.
You'll become a human cannon ball.
We must hit the mark. Tell me:
what preciseIy, offends you?
Sir, offends, no.
Anything you add, wllI worsen the probIem.
Like reading the TaImud to condo-owners.
These are the ruIes: 191 States, 191 Ministers,
191 speeches. Ten minutes each.
PreciseIy, every minute counts!
They must be weighty, deep...
CompIex!
Watch your head...
DipIomacy is a bitch.
I hope there's no turbuIence. I get airsick.
No, not that! It's off-topic and too Iong!
But he wanted it. Damn, he's the one who'll say it!
Sorry...
The Lusdemistan bit is OK, no?
The anaIysis of internaI imbaIances?
Yes, it's simpllfied, but accurate.
And I know: I was our number 2 man in Lusde for 4 years.
This speech's probIem is the tone: it's a monster.
Frankenstein taIking to Snow White's 7 dwarfs.
But what matters isn't what's said on the podium,
but behind the scenes.
Impressive,
all that energy for a speech nobody wllI llsten to.
A wasted SWAT team. Bravo.
Thanks. Your good spirits are contagious.
He couId demorallze an anthllI!
My wife is fed up with this crap.
You're Iucky, you have no famlly.
Now I've stained my pants with their damn mayo.
Seen ''The Bridges of Madison County''?
MeryI Streep!
- Hi, Christian - Hi, Sir.
Come, Jean-PauI.
- Where's Picasso? - VIaminck is sIated for vehicIe 2.
He can print in the car. I need the text at the hoteI.
Get in the front.
Thanks, I'm a bit nauseous.
VIaminck can't go in the 2nd car with me.
It's my pIace. I won't share it with a cub-advisor.
The 3rd car's embassy, the others full...
Stick him on the bus with the press.
Where's the bus?
A page is missing.
''The fIutter of a butterfIy's wings.''
Is that to impress them?
Right.
The eIevator makes me queasy.
Look at that, Jean-PauI!
I'm here...
They don't deserve to be in my speech.
Mr. Minister? There's a hitch.
Wait, Jean-PauI. Thanks.
Bravo, CasteIa. Nice start!
There's been a Ieak.
A reporter got a page of my speech.
And those sIobs distorted it all.
I never had it.
He opted for the reporters' bus.
A speechwriter can't do that.
I didn't.
Why not hoId a press conference?
- I was sent there. - We have to redo it!
Because of you, or thanks to them!
Anyway, Ieak or no Ieak, it was Iousy, we had to redo it.
Let's get going!
Cahut! I want a cIear summary of the Iast 20 years in the MiddIe East.
Using simpIe words, for once.
Christian! Answer that asshoIe!
One paragraph, maximum.
CasteIa!
One scaIpeI-hewn paragraph, on the roIe of the UN.
Get to work!
Jean-PauI wllI goose you.
So there's some brains up your asses.
Some compIexity...
Arthur, you put it all in your bIender.
Make sure it's watertight!
Let's do it!
Arthur, come. We'll go pee.
Sir, I didn't opt for the bus...
I know that, Arthur.
Arthur, one day
the President said something...
fundamentaI:
''In the llves we Iead, you do things as they come.
''You have time to eat, you eat.
''Time to fuck, you fuck.
''Time to piss, you piss.''
Full stop.
Sir, I wanted to mention something.
A famlly, nice peopIe, are in troubIe at my fiancée's schooI.
The JingouIu? Urgent?
There.
Good oId Molly.
It's all in there.
Stick it in my pocket.
I'll Iook into it. We'll try, by and by!
So you have a fiancée?
I wanted to stress ''horror''.
No. You have 2 important words:
fear and suspicion.
Friends, we just got the news.
The US gave up unllateraI action, to go via the UN.
We won.
HardIy. They'll go to war, but with UN approvaI.
I rewrite page 2 to congratuIate them?
This means a resoIution in the Security Councll.
No time to poke 'em with a sharp stick.
We must appIaud those creeps, act phony.
Such pIeasure!
Do we revamp the speech? Not easy.
Not coming to the speech?
I get cramps at his speeches. I'll wait in the hallway.
You're right. Take a nap.
And ask for a cushion.
For your records.
That was Frankenstein.
I toId you:
heads of State are llke condo-owners, not phllosophers.
Interested in the stairwell, not the worId's future,
wary you're out to get them.
The Americans scrubbed the facade,
dazzllng us, even if they bIow up the city.
It's the pits for us!
They'll invade Lusdemistan as they want,
but, worse, make the UN Iegitimize it.
Whlle we wrote an ode to autumn Ieaves.
We've been sidellned.
- ExactIy. - ExactIy what, Cahut?
No, our fIatfooted speech had one virtue:
it set out our position, our stand.
Now we drive in the nall:
we won't set one toe in Lusdemistan.
I'll tell you: contrary to what you belleve,
we're a step ahead of them. We drew a llne.
On one side there's spirit, vision,
on the other, oll, vested interests,
the neocons.
You've read Tintin comics?
You read Tintin?
Remember them?
Why do you?
In Tintin, the stakes are huge.
The moon, America, bIack goId...
But Tintin is the rhythm.
One paneI Ieads to another.
Reaching the right side,
you're Ied on. Untll the end of the page.
The bearded guy...
Capt. Haddock?
He trips on the pipes,
bumps his head,
jumps into the jeep... On to the next page!
You can't heIp it. And then...
On a whoIe page
is a rocket...
It's gigantic.
Red and white. 100 meters high.
We're doing the same.
A speech, peopIe llsten.
Take sides,
they soar.
They're facing the worId.
I'm dizzy. Get me off that rollercoaster!
It's not that, it's the Ghost Train.
ExactIy!
The Ghost Train:
it scares you.
You're terrified!
In front of you, there's a nation: the Lusdemenites.
NucIear threats. Want to ram them?
Not me.
The first thing I do, is sit down at a tabIe
and Iook the guys
straight in the eye...
Sorry to interrupt. There's been a coup in Ubanga.
80,000 resident French nationaIs.
Get me Maupas.
We'll wake him up.
No, he never sIeeps.
What's the time there?
10 AM here, means 3 AM there.
It's winter time. 6 hour difference.
With both on winter time, it's not 7, it's 5.
No, 6.
Right now it's 6 hours.
- It's 5. - No, 6.
Who cares!
Call him!
So it's 4 AM.
I've got him.
Things are moving fast.
Oscarville airport is cut off by the rebels.
lt's out of control. l may bring you home sooner.
I'm Ieaving earIy.
''Wanderers in the night: sorcerers, reveIers maIe and femaIe.''
Right now, any excesses are possibIe.
The rebeIs are marching on the capitaI.
The government says France is behind it.
We can't stay out of it.
It'll bIow up in our faces!
Had a good trip?
If it's Banshis versus Tanas, it Iooks gIum.
Off the record, shouIdn't we taIk to the Americans?
UnIess you aIready did having fun in NY.
At the UN. But the UN's aImost the US.
The US is out of it. They won't heIp.
In an hour, the media wllI attack us. On Africa, they're specially dumb.
We shouId feeI out the President. This is about Africa.
By the way,
I spoke to him, he tried to reach you.
He's worried about the runaway bear,
right now.
It's stllI Iost in our Pyrenees.
We can't wait for a bear, to stop a civll war!
Sir, the President's busy with the Canadian.
It's beginning to stink.
The Ubangans are sIaughtering civllians.
Get the President out of that Canadian!
He's on the llne.
Mr. President, we must put out a fire before it bIazes.
ls that Heraclitus? l hear you're an expert.
It reIaxes me
between two bear hunts.
Listen to me,
you want to talk Banshis versus Tanas.
l'm aware it's serious.
But how will it end?
Play for time.
But Mr. President, time is against us.
I know N'Bika, he'll burn his country to stay in power.
To avoid a Rwanda-type genocide,
we must send UN troops to freeze the confllct.
At once!
That means bringing in the US. Bad timing.
It's urgent, Martine.
President N'Bika is on the llne.
PauI, you know France is a friend. Be Iucid.
You want to set all Africa on fire?
We shouId evacuate French IocaIs now!
Know what that entalls?
Given the number of French, we can't handIe it.
Let's heIp those who want to get out.
Without making aIarming statements.
Let's go to the House. Try and caIm them.
France must llve up to its duty!
But...
Beyond our own citizens,
we can't ignore our historicaI ties!
France has a duty toward Ubanga.
That's why, under a UN mandate,
troops must be sent to Ubanga.
SoIdiers wllI be sent to OscarvllIe!
President N'bika's faction
is holding anti-French rallies.
ln Oscarville there are pillages, looting...
To hell with their criticisms.
Me a coIoniallst? Let me Iaugh!
To llghten the mood, there's some good news, sir.
Lusdemistan gave in:
they sent the UN a full report on their weapons program.
The bad news is it's 12,000 pages Iong.
I gIanced through it
Iate Iast night and earIy this morning. It's interesting.
There's a bit of everything:
how to bulld a pIane, suras from the Koran,
Lusdemistan train scheduIes, the price of museum tickets.
ProbabIy even the recipe for appIe-pie.
Armed strife has begun.
PeopIe are panicking. And the UN troops haven't dug in.
We must caIm things down. Have an aircraft readied.
But the airport is under mortar fire!
I don't give a damn. Have UN soIdiers protect the airport.
We have to keep moving.
We mustn't fear the fIame.
I shall enter the fIame.
I'll become a fIame!
Take it down, Arthur.
Keep moving, whatever happens.
Are you sure?
The door!
I came peacefully to Ubanga.
To soIve probIems, not create them.
Let me taIk to them.
These peopIe back President N'Bika. I came to taIk to him.
I'm ready to taIk to them.
Sir, it's bad timing. Get in your car.
You'll be safer in your car.
Let my car through. I'm going to see President N'Bika.
STOP TAILLARD THE MICROBE
You got a cease-fire in Ubanga after an eventfuI visit.
I met President N'Bika at the presidentiaI residence.
I aIso met Commander BokoIo in OscarvllIe.
Both agreed to go aIong with us,
the onIy responsibIe path.
- I just spoke to VaIerie. - I know.
Yes, Mr. Minister.
I'll put him on, sir.
It's him.
Now we have a cease-fire, we must mediate.
Yes. Mediate, AIexandre.
Banshis and Tanas live in the nearby countries.
We must contact other heads of state.
No more bilateral stuff.
We stick 'em in a room till they agree.
Enjoy, Arthur.
Very well, thanks.
Get me the Prime Minister of Zambara, pIease.
Get me the President of Baruna.
I want to taIk to HercuIe Banzi, in Kiruana.
How are you, Tabo?
Like us, you want peace in Africa.
''Weariness is sIaving over the tasks you began with.''
Hi guys! Your wives well? Holldays good?
All set for Extra Vacation Time?
Let me tell you.
We've got the method. Now we stretch the antagonism.
It's in Heraclltus. I highllghted it:
''They do not understand that what opposes you
''is what you are for.''
We need a handbook for crisis soIution.
There's handbooks for making friends, beef stew,
writing books, a ghastIy thought!
Books one writes aIone.
A cIear handbook for crisis soIutions:
a universaI handbook.
Get on to it tonight, whlle it's fresh in your mind.
''The aim is to improve the situation of French citizens...''
I think it's fine now...
''... that they'll onIy agree to upon reaching the soIution.''
''On the terrain, around a tabIe, under UN supervision,
''can we soIve all confllcts...''
''and reach universaI peace'', OK.
''revive the fire of civllizations...'' Nothing Iess!
Your parents need a cease-fire.
We'll invite them both to dinner.
We Iock 'em up tllI they make peace.
Under UN supervision? You'll need extra chairs.
You got the cheese?
Guess not.
I couIdn't find a titIe, so I called it ''Anti-handbook''.
They're not anti-fragments! But fragments!
Neocons aren't anti-idiots. They're idiots.
But MaIraux wrote his ''Anti-memoirs''.
Was he an idiot or not?
OK, paI!
Keep at it. This is usefuI.
We're moving a heavy Ioad.
I'm a big bearer of good tidings in this office:
UN arms inspectors may now re-enter Lusdemistan.
But things are sure to go as wrong as possibIe:
the Lusdemenites wllI hide their equipment bit by bit,
even if it's Lego pieces.
Inspectors wllI be shown empty rooms.
The US wllI make unacceptabIe demands,
llke inspecting all the king's underwear.
So it's under controI, and may expIode any minute.
Don't say that, if one shot is fired, he'll want to head there.
He'll charge in through the bullets...
I confirm that. He's immune to danger, he's mysticaI.
He's become an African sorcerer.
Arthur, where do we stand? We're off to New York in 2 days.
I'll put him on.
It's the Minister.
New York's in 2 days. You realize?
We'd cut that in the oId version. Why's it back?
But the new one's aIready oId.
The new-new one, has bits from the oId-oId one.
Look, I did a summary of part 2. On UN inspectors.
The oId first one? Weren't you rewriting it?
No, I'm concIuding the 3rd part.
We must keep that. Or we can't pick up there...
I found the same bit twice, here and here.
OnIy twice? You're Iucky.
Some idiot has stuck
''tweaking the rosebud'' in the bit on Lusdemenite rellgions.
And that llne about France, an ''oId country''.
It's suicide. HeIp!
No, he definiteIy wants that.
Don't yieId!
I know how badIy he wants it.
Let him decide, once we've done all the rest.
Come on, next!
Concentrate, everyone!
How must I tell you?
In Morse code? Semaphore? Aramaic?
I don't want a speech. I want to fIy to the points.
No sentences, you're writing sentences.
Don't wax IyricaI.
Words.
PrincipIes.
Facts.
We're taIking before the Security Councll.
To the worId!
What's going on?
It's to thank you.
For what?
They got a residence permit.
The famlly I toId you about.
Your anti-actor scored points, dunno how you did it...
Lucidity,
efficiency, fraternity!
Why didn't he tell me?
It makes me really happy. Both things do.
It's soft.
Thanks.
Guys!
It's now or never. If you have to Iob a grenade, Iob it!
Did you write that?
No! This time don't swipe my car.
You have a IoveIy scarf.
A gift from my first ex-mother-in-Iaw, 40 years ago. So I treasure it.
His first ex-mother-in-Iaw? I don't get it.
Right now nothing's easy. Watch your step.
A premature mllitary intervention
wouId harm the internationaI community's unity
and undermine
the Iegitimacy of its action and, in the Iong run,
its efficiency.
In this tempIe of the United Nations,
we are the guardians of an ideaI,
the guardians of a conscience.
The heavy responsibllity,
and the great honor which are ours,
spell out giving priority
to peacefuI disarmament.
And it is an oId country, France,
from an oId continent llke mine, Europe,
that tells you that now.
One that has known wars,
occupation,
barbarism.
A country that doesn't forget
its debt to the freedom fighters
who came from America and eIsewhere.
A country which has aIways stood up
in the face of History,
and before Mankind.
FaithfuI to its vaIues,
it wants to act resoIuteIy
with the whoIe internationaI community.
It belleves
in ourjoint capacity to bulld
a better worId.
I thank you.
CouId Demosthenes have done that with pebbIes in his mouth?
He's called PoI Pot!
Where do we stand?
We must act, unafraid of the fIame.
What idiots!
I enter the fIame.
Dumb door!
I become the...
The flame!
SubtitIes: A.WhiteIaw
Subtitllng: C.M.C. - Paris